[August 2026] Hello again, if anyone is even there, but probably not. I am yet again feeling the classic teenage angst even though I'm in my twenties. I kind of have a rant to plant here, it feels very wrong of me to say, but I had a friend break my trust in a very strange and kind of creepy way. Even now writing it here I feel gulity for even being upset about it. I feel stupid because it was something so small and I don't know why it was bothering me so much. I felt a lot less bad about it after telling another friend about it, but it still feels strange because I haven't addressed it with the person who did it. Will he hate me forever if I do? When I first met him I thought he was really cool and I wanted to be friends but he was mean. Stupidly, I still tried. A lot. It never ended well for me. He was mean to my other friend too. I don't really have many friends in real life, possibly none at all, so I was very desperate for any sort of connection with others. He has been nice recently, until he did that weird thing, and it's been making me think weird things, and I dont even know how I'm supposed to feel about any of this. I wish we could've been friends the way I always thought friends were supposed to be. It makes me so sad. I tried so hard to have some sort of bond and it's clear now that it's not possible with him I think. I wish I had more close friends like I used to. I miss Elliott, I miss Katelynn, I miss Grace, I miss Lunnell, and I still love them all dearly, wherever they are. Deep in the recesses of my mind, I can still look into their eyes, hear their laughs, feel their hugs, and when I think of it, I cry quietly to myself in my house all alone, because I can't possibly tell someone about this, it's too strange, too personal, and it's weird to miss being held in your childhood best friends' arms. I don't mention any names here of people that are still in my life in case they ever find this somehow, but my old friends, somehow, if you are reading, just know, I've remembered you for all this time, and I still care even though we haven't spoken in over a decade. I will always love you guys. I wish I loved my friends that I have in real life. I don't know if I will ever feel a strong connection to any of them. I want to so badly. I want to love my friends the way I love my online friends but I don't know if I ever will, and I know it's because they will never care about me that much. Nobody has ever loved me the way I love them. I don't think such a thing is even possible.
[July 2026] This is kind of a secret page I suppose, so I guess what I want to put here will be whatever I want, like feelings and things I maybe would not want on the more lighthearted blog page. You don't know who I am so I'm not sure why you'd want to read this, but maybe you will and you will realize that perhaps you feel much like me. I could change the backgrounds each season, and share my MS paint doodles maybe. I am not an artist like many of these webpages I see online. They make beautiful art and they are talented coders. I am neither. I am not really so much good at anything. I am an outcast, I always will be I think. I don't think so much that I have a personality either. Every part of me is a piece I have taken from someone I love and hold as my own. I know it is not normal to really care about your friends. People only hold that sort of care for their romantic partners usually for some reason, as friends are kind of seen as meaningless and disposable but not to me. The people that I am fortunate enough to have in my life mean everything to me. They are reckless and wild like tall dry grass growing tall and green in the summer scratching up your legs as you run through. Some are elegant and refined like twisting branches that reach towards the sky, rigid and deliberate. I am so incredibly blessed to have friends so wonderful. I know I am incredibly foolish for caring for some, but I know which of them love me too.
[July 2026] This is kind of a secret page I suppose, so I guess what I want to put here will be whatever I want, like feelings and things I maybe would not want on the more lighthearted blog page. You don't know who I am so I'm not sure why you'd want to read this, but maybe you will and you will realize that perhaps you feel much like me. I could change the backgrounds each season, and share my MS paint doodles maybe. I am not an artist like many of these webpages I see online. They make beautiful art and they are talented coders. I am neither. I am not really so much good at anything. I am an outcast, I always will be I think. I don't think so much that I have a personality either. Every part of me is a piece I have taken from someone I love and hold as my own. I know it is not normal to really care about your friends. People only hold that sort of care for their romantic partners usually for some reason, as friends are kind of seen as meaningless and disposable but not to me. The people that I am fortunate enough to have in my life mean everything to me. They are reckless and wild like tall dry grass growing tall and green in the summer scratching up your legs as you run through. Some are elegant and refined like twisting branches that reach towards the sky, rigid and deliberate. I am so incredibly blessed to have friends so wonderful. I know I am incredibly foolish for caring for some, but I know which of them love me too.